At the holiday dinner table, my father mentioned meeting a man at some sort of regular-fancy-dad-dinner-gala-party. He brought up this interaction because the man introduced himself to my dad and said "I'm a scientist."


That's like me getting a business-y job and going around the town saying "I'm a business woman!" Sure you are, but what the f*ck does that mean? At the very least, don't sell yourself short. I'm sure all of his Scientist-y bullshit is super impressive, but the Barefoot Contessa wouldn't sell herself short-as-fck and refer to herself as merely a "chef." (DISCLAIMER: I am not a business woman OR the anything-equivalent of a Barefoot Contessa) Either way, I'm left with no other option in that conversation BUT to think you're an EVIL scientist with secrets.

As I marinated this hilarious concept in my head, I started thinking of other funny ways to introduce yourself as a halloween costume-esq career have-er and then realized there are actually a few that work this way... (i.e., Librarian, Doctor, Ninja, Kid Wrangler [yES], Garbage Man)

BUT WAIT!!!!!!! Pump the effing breaks... Dude, GARBAGE MAN? Who assigned them this petty ass name? How about EARTH CLEANERS? Trash Terrorizers? There's gotta be a better way?

My unsolicited advice is: Don't call nice people garbage people. And also what the fuck do you mean you're a "scientist"?

Goodnight & Get the f*ck out of here!

© 2019 by KRISTA KILEY