© 2019 by KRISTA KILEY

LET ME INFLUENCE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU

Guys. Someone called me an influencer. It was Amazon. Cause I asked them to. I applied to be an Amazon influencer. They said OK.

IT'S HAPPENING

Like I've said and will continue to say: I will gladly accept money from literally anyone. And this is like, kinda step one (????) BUT, I'm not gonna be a total bitch about it. I'm going to be brutally honest and only recommend the best shit. I've already noticed that some of my product descriptions were too honest and Amazon wouldn't let me post it (*sideways face emoji,* *emoji with the hand on the chin looking pensive,*) (read: red flag). I don't know if there's an Amazon spy assigned to watch how I work this lil sys[tem] and is reading this blog right now. Who knows, maybe by the time this goes live I'll be kidnapped in the back of a van and the post will be gone and same with my social media accounts and you'll be like where's krista kiley? and a spooky man will emerge from an alley, in a raincoat, and suddenly you're outside (where it's raining), and the man opens his dry mouth to say, "krista's been dead for 10 years." My hands are typing faster than you can imagine.


Honestly, I don't have the slightest idea how this program works and if I cared any less, I'd be dead. I don't plan on sifting through other profiles of Amazon Influencers for aesthetic inspo or research on how to elevate the look of my page. I'm not gonna update it everyday for the sake of the dollar, this might be the only time, get it while it's hot. But, most importantly you guys, I am not gonna let the newfound fame get to my head. I know what you must be thinking. "Krista, it's Amazon, this is huge. You're immediately famous now and the paparazzi are probably outside your apartment as we speak."


Krista declined to comment. This is now her ghost writer. She's much too famous, too busy, to be bothered by the mundane task of writing a blog post for poor people.


aNYwAys, I decided to do this because there are way too many effing products out there today to even narrow shit down. All I want is for someone to be like "this is good, buy this" because I don't trust reviews, they're all fckn robots, and I want to spend my money on good things only. I want quick lists of where to go and what to buy and how to buy it and how to use it. So I made for you the thing that I want for me. I haven't yet set up my new account in order to get me paid, but apparently if you buy the things I'm telling you to buy, I will get some well-deserved commish. Finally. Together, we can make me rich and powerful. Is it working, do you feel influenced?


So here's what I did:

I went through my past Amazon orders, picked out my most successful purchases, and sorted them into THREE categories.

  1. THE LIFE CHANGERS

  2. THE HOME GOODS

  3. THE GIFTS

In "THE LIFE CHANGERS" list you will find a concise list of things I cannot live without. They've fundamentally changed my life and I am better because of them. I wouldn't go another day without using them and I don't have to! Because they're in my home or on my feet right now!


In "THE HOME GOODS" list you will find miscellaneous things I own & bought from Amazon. Did they fundamentally change my life? Not really. There are probably equivalent products that are just as good. But, I bought these, I use them, and I really like them. So, if you're in the market for any of these products and you don't want to sift through reviews to narrow down which product is the right product, then use my list because I already did that and was satisfied with my purchase.


In "THE GIFTS" list you'll find some things I've gifted to my friends, caregivers, and loved ones. I've been told I'm a good gift giver and I believe those people who said that. I really enjoy giving gifts because it points out that I am a stealthy ass companion and I've been fckn watching you. I picked out the perfect something, here you go and you're welcome. Most of the gifts I give are not from Amazon tbh, but here's a quick list of the successful things I've gifted that are.


ENJOY

https://www.amazon.com/shop/kristakiley